28 08 2007

It was first Sunday of June when Michelle invited me to joined her in a mass. Hastily, I went with her. I was surprised, because i never thought that the plan of just satisfying her for companion would end me up of joining the CAFE.

I was born in San Mateo Isabela, a town where people are too busy farming. I am the eldest among my siblings. I have a brother and two sisters. Well, actually i had a twin sister, but unfortunately she died at the age of two because of sickness.

I live and grow in a family full  of ups and downs. I was born a Catholic, but my faith to Him was lacking. I’m one of those who attends mass only when there are special occassions in the family like wedding, christening, internment and other traditional obliged masses to attend in the family.

When I was in highschool, my Bible subject requires us to attend masses every Sunday, as the basis for us to pass the subject. We are required to have the officiating priest sign our Bible notebook, as a proof we have attended the mass, indicating all the verses and the lessons we learn and or the message imparted by the priest.

I"m so lazy and naughty and of course unkind, to the extent of forging the signature of our town priest. But my conscience played doubts in my mind. I know it in my heart, that was cheating and it was totally wrong. But as a naughty one,  I chose the easiest way.

A few months after I graduated from High School. My parents was not in good terms, as far as I know, they separated for almost a year. Before X’mas, my grandmothers sister in-law died, Papa was so attached to her, as Mama is. Papa came home. They talk to each other. Then things went right, hanks God. I felt God’s presence their.

When I was in College, my bestfriend always encouraging me attend novenas every Wednesday or  else attend mass every Sunday. Oh, yes I went along with her everytime. but i tell you, my mind is not focused on the Priest Sermon or message. i dont know what’s really inside of me. maybe it was merely faith that was lacking of me. When im attending masses. i loved observing people around me. It was an exact description of how " balasubas" I am when attending masses…

in my third year of college, I was hospitalized because of dengue fever. it was four days befor i was admitted to the hospital. I came nearly to death. But GOD save me..

When i came here in Manila. i was invited by a friend to join the Cafe, at first, i hesitate to join, Why? Because I’m not usual unto it.

When the worship begun, i felt so strange, and uncomfortable. at the very first song, unfortunately i forgot the title, my heart realized how true was the song’s message. the joy, I later realized was knowing the truth about Lord God. The pureness of the message about Him drew me to learn more of Him, then at that moment, God’s words touched my heart.

After the worship, i have committed my heart to CAFE and i wasn’t wrong. At the prayer mountain in Antipolo, I solemnly accepted Him as my Lord & Saviour.

Upon knowing Him, I went through many trials, especially to my family. Right now, I’m nearly to leukemia, and my father has liver & lungs problem, my mother has heart problem too. Those trials comes to me at once, so fast and so uncarriable for me.. . And i almost brokedown.

I have learned from CAFE it is not my will should be done, not my choice, it is HIS,… I am accepting it with all my heart bec. I know that when  I can no longer hold on my burdens, HE will carry it for me…

I never learnEd to pray, even now, I admit that. I am always praying but I have i feeling that I am not connecting my heart with HIM,.. I always felt that there was something wrong & missing within me… Well, I know now, what was missing in me…my spiritual life…. I am so happy that it is not too late for me to turn my life to God by believing in and following the way he wants and teaches us to do..

and as my favorite song emphasizes " Reflection"

I have this heart that must be free, and if i have a mask, i can fool the  world.. pretend to be someone else… but i cannot fool my heart..

I am now in this crossroads of my life … which I have to choose…

Myself—-my health or my family— immediate needs of my family

when will my heart be free… I love my family so dearly…I am shouting it in the whole world…

I am now defending my life as the will  & wish of my heart upon commiting my whole self..surrending all me… to HIM..